Saturday, February 9, 2013

Jesus stole my Christmas

Thank you for reading my blog. Just a reminder if you are reading it you should read it from the bottom up as thats the way the memories are in order.

My third memory in my child hood was when my father (jesus) picked up a dirty hitchhiker on our way home from dinner. He told this man he could stay in our attic but it was mine and Kim's play room. Mom told us to stay out of there. But the next day with nobody home but him we decided to go up and get all our favorite toys. I have blackout at this period. I was 31/2 I have vague memories in black and white of his hands on me, but that's all I remember.
     That evening at dinner my father declared that he was King David (David was his name) from the bible. and the hitchhiker was Jesus sent here to do the lords work. The next day was Christmas so Kim and I were excited. Its hard to admit or understand that my father was worth millions back then. He was and still is a lawyer. we went to bed early.
     In the morning we had to eat our breakfast before we were allowed to open our presents. I got in trouble for picking at my food. then my mom brought the coffee to the table. my father got a huge smile of his face as he poured his coffee. He then said "Hey everybody watch this"... then he poured a scalding cup of coffee into his lap never flinching or losing his smile and said "this is nothing compared to how I'm going to hurt you all for being bad Christians"  Then he said to kim one last time "Kim what is my name?" looking down in her food i saw her tear up and say "King David" thats right. ok now you guys can open your presents
     Since we were rich we got an awful lot of presents. it was so much fun opening them. Then Mom and Dad started a fight and I got scared and started crying. my mom told me to take all my new toys into the station-wagon to play so one by one I carried them out there. I was content and felt safe in the car, I was playing house. I had a favorite toy right away. It was a rag doll with red hair. an orange dress and socks and sues with bright blue eyes and freckles, I called her sunshine. It seems like I played out there and was very happy for and hour or so pretending I had my own house and nobody could hurt me.  After about 2 hours of playing peacefully my father came outside smiling and motioned for me to come back inside. I got a popsicle like Kim and sat on the couch my father and mother were fighting but it wasnt too loud or violent so I tuned it out the best I can. Then Jesus the hitcher came down from out of the attic and my father handed him something, put his hand on his back and walked him outside. they talked for awhile and then my father came back in and my father was beaming and said to my mother, I signed over the title of the car to Jesus to do the lords work. I didnt know what that meant. But after I finished I started to go out the door to get my new toys out of the car. My mother stopped me and said, Debbie, the car is gone, and I said "ok but where are  my toys" and she said "they're gone Debbie they are just gone". I immediately stared crying so hard I hyperventilation. I feel onto the floor and I just could not stop crying and squealing . My father walked over to me and said " You are a selfish and evil child and god does not love you. This is the thanks I get for helping to do the work of the lord?"" Go to your fucking room now you are an evil demon and I cast you away" I went into my room and I can't remember ever crying to hard in my entire life,not even since then. After she was finally allowed my sister came into my room and brought all her toys and said she would share them. That I could use them anytime and choose one to keep forever. Kim was 4 years and 4 days older than me and back then she was always my protector. Many many days Dad would come home before Mom and she would scoop me and up and carry me into her room to hide under the sheets from him. He rarely looked for us, he was a true narcissist.
     That night my mom came in to too tuck me in like she never had before and I remember saying "Mom could I please just have another doll like sunshine?" and she said "Of course you can, that made me feel better. I asked her about that doll everyday until it got close to Christmas that year, and I got no sunshine. I started to build a slow and steady hate for my mother.
     The day after the Christmas incident my mother came home early from work , She was sitting at the table crying. I tried to hug her and said "Mommy are you ok?" she shoved me away. Mom was holding a piece of paper that I could not read. She said to Kim (she always liked Kim more than me and I never knew why) she said to Kim " what am I doing to do Kim what am I going to do. The bank called me at work and said to come down immediately. They said they has to freeze our account and would not put up with this sort of behavior"  Then my mom got up to get a drink in the den in the other room her eyes filled with tears. I asked Kim to read me what the paper said. She said"and the top it just has out bank information, it is a loan application. Then it says NAME: Jesus Christ , purpose of the loan: To do the work of the lord. Amount of loan 1,000,000,000. I said " Kim why would Jesus need money I learned in Bible School he has no worldly possessions?'" She said Debbie it's not the real Jesus, it's Dad" I didn't know what that really meant but that night I slept with Kim and we could hear Dad beating Mom for letting him give the car away.

this has been the hardest entry by far to write. I stared writing it the day before I started the journal. I don't know why, its not as bloody or gory, but something that has always stuck with me and is always just right here under my chest. thanks for reading.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

magical Origami

So here we are again, another small memory (my 2nd one)
thanks for coming along for the ride

     So my second sister Kim brought home and origami ornament she made from school. Oh wait, back up, by this point my father made us all refer to him as Jesus. He was so interested in the origami ornament. He called us all  into the den and asked us to sit in a circle of course none of us knew what he was doing. I was still 3. He put the ornament in the center of the circle and said that we were all to pray hard and the ornament would move off of the ground and float. 
     He had us sit their silently for 6 hours. Have you any idea how hard it is for a 3 year old to sit still and silently for 6 hours??? I was somehow able to do it as my fear for him was so strong. after 6 hours of course the ornament did not move. He yelled at us all and said we were the devils children and not God's.  Then he walked over to the glass chandelier over the table. He jumped on the table and the chandelier broke all over him. He was covered in blood and screamed " This is what you people do to me" I dont remember what happened  right next but eventually my older sister Kim took me into her room to hide under her Holly Hobby sheets. we did that a lot

more and more memories are starting to pop up which I consider to be a good thing.
thanks for everyone who took the time to read this!

The rape of my childood

Welcome to my blog. This blog is about the child abuse I endured . It's going to be pretty dark at times. My Dr said I have the worst case of PTSD he has ever seen. I'm writing this not only to purge, but also to possibly help others who have been thru similar things.
Another reason I'm writing it is to get my memories in order as I plan to write a book. And getting them in order is not an easy task. When you have been thru as much trauma as I have you have a lot of blocked out spaces in your memory. I have a whole year blocked out and I'm hoping this will help. I will be writing one memory at a time to help me keep them in order.

My very first memory was at age 3 my father called me out of bed and said he needed my help. I went to the living room and could not see over the couch but heard screaming, my sister was already there and crying. My father forced us to hold down my mother while he raped her. Of course my tiny arms couldn't do much actual holding. It was his way of torturing us along with torturing her. Her face was covered in blood. I asked her twice if she was ok and and she just said leave me alone.
     The next day my mother was covered in bruises. I tried to give her a hug but she stepped away. She wouldn't make eye contact with me, in fact, she never made eye contact with me. I asked her is she was alright and she said she was fine. I said "well what about last night?" and she said "nothing happened last night, get that thru your head or you will be next." I went back in my room. I didn't play with any toys I just lied in bed as my little brains tried to process this, and I simply couldn't.

I will never ever forget that day. I am 39 years old and I remember i t like it was yesterday.

That concludes my first memory, next blog will have memory number two.
thanks for reading